The Lonely Side Of Motherhood

Motherhood can be lonely…

Isn’t it a contradiction that you can feel so alone but yet be in the presence of two children, a new born and a 3 year old, who could talk the legs off a donkey.

Prior to maternity leave, I worked full time within the Criminal Justice System so I was constantly busy. However, this is a far cry from my life now I’m on maternity leave, I’m busy, but in a completely different way.

When the loneliness strikes 

It’s crazy, when your baby is first born you have heaps and heaps of visitors coming to see you and baby, then little by little they all dwindle away. Your partner goes back to work and suddenly you’re by yourself just you and the little humans. When my partner first went back to work I was actually scared of my children. 😂😂 I laugh but honestly, I couldn’t wait for him to be home, not just for adult conversation but so I could finally breath a sigh of relief that I had help and back up (and that I could finally run away to Narnia).

Many times I would wait by the window when I knew he was due home. And when I received a call saying “babe I’m going to the gym” my heart would sink a little. But I knew I had to allow him to have time for himself so I never complained. Now you’re probably thinking get a damn grip girl, but the feelings were real. Even I didn’t recognise me!!

This was unfamiliar territory for me as there were weeks I would work 5/6 days on high profile criminal cases so my mind was completely stimulated. By contrast my conversation now consisted of why Marshall and chase from the Paw Patrol were dogs not humans LOL! I’m a get up and go type of girl, always planning and doing different things, so I really got to know a new dimension of myself. Don’t get me wrong, I get out and about with the boys and do activities with them. But, there was still that sense of isolation, if you’ve not long had a new newborn or you’re a stay at home mother you will totally get it.

We make eye contact with the new mother at the ball park or the supermarket, and it’s almost like we speak the same language through our eyes, but no words spoken.. and what’s crazy is, I understand exactly what she is feeling.

Few of us mothers actually have accurate expectations of what motherhood will be like particularly if this is your first child. For many of us motherhood and loneliness can work hand in hand. It can be so bitter sweet. During the first few months of having my second baby, I was so beautifully connected to my baby in every way yet so disconnected to those close to me. The world continued to go round, however I felt like time was on pause in my little bubble of motherhood. Check out this post to see how I survived the first three months of motherhood

Reality VS Fantasy

Fantasy

  • We will have mother and baby meet ups
  • I wanted to do an online course while I was off
  • We would have chill days in bed ALL DAY
  • I would have time to think (HA-HA)
  • I would go on coffee dates and cute shopping trips

Reality

  • There are days where I feel physically and emotionally drained.
  • I’m rarely on time lol.
  • Baby wipes are my best friend
  • Pyjamas will be in your top five essentials.

How much does your partner understand

So, my other half came back from work the other day complaining that he was tired. “I know the feeling” I said. He asked “well what have you been doing all day”. I gave him a look and at that point he knew that he had fucked up. What have I been doing you ask? Cooking, cleaning, feeding your children, educating your children OH and keeping them alive. I do feel that he said that out of frustration however it highlighted the sad stigma attached to stay at home mothers.

What helped me

  • The starting point for me was processing the feelings of loneliness. I didn’t want to admit I was lonely and I definitely didn’t want to share with others especially as this was my second child. I was meant to be a veteran in the game. Again, there is a stereotype that new mums should be happy so for a while I actually thought it was me.
  • I spoke with loved ones about it and reached out to other mothers who had recently had babies. I absolutely love hearing and reflecting on the experiences of others. At this point I realised that there were an overwhelmingly amount of mothers who were experiencing the same.”I’m NORMAL” *Does the lonely mum dance* LOL!
  • It was time to “work it” and embrace this loneliness, talk to others, share experiences, push myself to get out, and most of all raise a awareness of this feeling of loneliness. It’s so real, it’s so relevant and it’s so important.

Single mothers

You’re selfless and courageous, you made a commitment to dedicate every inch of yourself to your child. There are many times you compromise your own happiness to ensure that your child does not feel that they’re any less due to an absent parent. Single mothers you’re total Bosses!!

There are times that I’m on the brink of a melt down and my partner comes to the rescue to help. So when I think of all the mothers that have 100% responsibility for their children I find it completely inspirational. You are so so so appreciated and recognised. “To the women of the world”

Stay at home mothers

Stay at home mothers, you are the chef, the house keeper, nurse, the therapist, the chauffeur, the teacher. I know that your days seem long yet your nights so short. I know that you never really “switch off” because you’re on job 24/7.

I know that there are times when you’re defending your role as a SAHM mother even to those who are closest to you. Sometimes even our partners can’t understand what we do all day. I say we because I am currently on maternity leave and through this experience I have a new found respect and admiration for you. I’m in total awe of you, you’re amazing. “To the women of the world”

End note: As parents let’s talk, communicate, share experiences, and support each other. Because at some point in our motherhood journey we have all felt lonely. Talk to the mother in the supermarket, ask how her days going. It could make all the difference in her day.

 

20 Comments

  1. August 14, 2018 / 4:34 pm

    Will be sharing this. I can relate on so many levels. It can quite lonely even though you are with your child 24/7. I unfortunately didn’t have anyone close to me (besides my brothers and husband) even before I was pregnant so it is even worse now. Its almost like having kids draws people away. But now that I have started a mom blog, I have been making many awesome internet mom friends and it’s truly been a blessing. I hope to reach out more. We may need to start a mama friends group where we just support each other. Just a thought. Ok. I have ranted enough. Really enjoyed this post. It definitely resonates with me.

    • August 15, 2018 / 9:10 am

      Awww I can only imagine how difficult it was for you. Motherhood can be such a strange world and so unpredictable. Yes blogging has opened up a whole new world of networking and I’m truly thankful. That’s an amazing Idea. I will message you hun and we can discuss it. I love that you’re able to rant, this is an open forum for us to talk about how we feel. Thanks for reading beauts x

  2. August 14, 2018 / 5:07 pm

    P- I have been there, I’m still there sometimes even with school aged kids. I related to you with every word I read. I applaud the honesty, the transparency and the heart in this article. ❤️ J

    • August 15, 2018 / 9:06 am

      I think regardless of if you’re a new mum it seems that you can still feel that sense of loneliness, particularly as a SAHM. Thank you so much for your on going support lovely ❤️

  3. August 14, 2018 / 7:17 pm

    a thousand times, yes. I’m still in that headspace most of the time and I have a 7 mo old and a 3 year old. Definitely reposting this ♡

    • August 15, 2018 / 9:05 am

      You’re not alone. I honestly think it takes a while for that phase to pass. My son is 5 months now and mentally I wouldn’t say I’m completely out of that space yet. But it’s so good that we can all Share our experiences. Thank you so much for reading hun ❤️

  4. August 15, 2018 / 8:52 am

    I think every new mum has been there. The difference? Some will admit it and some won’t. I went into complete shock when my twins arrived. Luckily my husband, a fireman, is so laid back he’s virtually horizontal. He was amazing! Then it happened…..he went back to work! The feeling of complete terror was real! The loneliness was unreal. On top of this I had 2 horses to look after. Moms are SUPERWOMEN! We get on with it. To all the new mom’s out there “you’ve got this ” x

    • August 15, 2018 / 9:03 am

      I love this, you’re so right. And that’s exactly why I wanted to share it because I wanted to create an open forum for those who feel this way but don’t want to share for fear of being judged. You’re doing amazing, I can imagine having twins was so overwhelming, I only had one newborn and at one point I thought I was on the verge of insanity. Haha. Thanks for reading lovely ❤️

  5. michellesillery
    August 15, 2018 / 9:38 am

    I love your style girl, love your Instagram & now your blog. What you write is SO relatable!!. I’m a SAHM to 3 year old twins who are going through the ‘threenager stage’ & I have 8 year old twins at school. They create so much washing, mess, eat so much food, need help with homework & are all affectionate kids & like cuddles & mummy time & my husband thinks he deserves a medal for going to work & thinks I have daily naps & watch Dr PHIL every day (okay I do watch Dr Phil every day) Give me a break!!
    The Perfectly Imperfect Mummy

    • August 15, 2018 / 10:25 am

      Awww thank you so much, this really means the world to me. And it’s so so nice to know that I’m not alone in my feelings.. we are all in this together. Can I just say YOU’RE ACTUALLY SUPERWOMAN. You have two sets of twins, you’re doing amazing. I have one threenager and honestly I feel I’m going mad at times 😂 haha. Men! Leave them with the kids for a whole week, they would have a meltdown 😂

  6. August 15, 2018 / 3:00 pm

    Reblogged this on and commented:
    A beautiful reminder that we mothers don’t always feel perfect, but that it’s OK and completely NORMAL. Motherhood is equal parts ‘constant contact” (via our children) and overwhelming loneliness. It’s all part of this season of life, and despite the isolation that can come with being a stay-at-home-mom, we are all in this together <3

  7. August 15, 2018 / 5:39 pm

    I felt soooo lonely when I first became a mom! I was too scared to go outside because I didn’t want E to cry and then I would get the looks from strangers. That was a real fear of mine. I also always glamorized motherhood exactly like the bullet points you wrote down under “fantasy.”
    At the end of the day I would be so drained and still feel like I accomplished nothing. I definitely waited for hubs to get home so I can hand off the babies and I can get a breather.
    Thanks for this article! It’s just a good reminder to not judge and to even acknowledge SAHM, or any moms for that matter! ❤️

    • August 15, 2018 / 6:40 pm

      So glad you can relate lovely. Motherhood loneliness is definitely a real thing. And I think it still pops up every now and then. Thank you so much for your continuous support. We are in this together ❤️

  8. August 17, 2018 / 1:40 am

    Music to my ears. I love how honest this is. Gives us all a chance to be vulnerable. Together. 💙
    Your entries are everything.

  9. Lyn
    September 6, 2018 / 6:59 pm

    I can really associate with this. When my twins arrived, my husband managed to have quite a lot of paternity leave. We had 2 horses at the time and having him around was fantastic. The day that he had to go back to work, I went into complete panic mode. How was I supposed to get both babies sorted and out of the house to get to do my horses? Obviously, I survived but boy did I feel overwhelmed. I still, today, feel lonely. It was not so bad when we were doing the school runs but now that the kids are at senior school, the school runs have stopped. Add to that the fact that my son has been at home for the last year due to no school placement and I feel like I’ve lost myself.

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